The Ghosts of the Past

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Do you believe in ghost? I don’t anymore. I believe a mind only sees and feels what it consciously or subconsciously dwells upon. As it has been in the book of Sigmund Freud: The Interpretation of Dreams, “The Dream as Wish-Fulfillment.” I have been to strange places mentally and that alone has shown me so many different things that would put one in believing that beyond the physical embodiment there may reside a world different than ours. A world filled with unearthly spirits that manifest nothing other than awe.

In 2014, I had my first panic attack. It was awful and went from 0 to 100 in no time. As someone who previously had no idea of such feeling as well as physical inquietude, I presumed I was dying and it was an abrupt onset of some kind of seizure or heart termination. The turmoils got so intense over time that I started to believe that getting out of the body was the only way to end the pain. It didn’t last much longer compared to the duration of some of the attacks that I have now but whenever the term panic attack comes in my mind I feel like alluding the very first time i got to feel it. However, when December came, a sense of nothingness and anxiety had almost devoured my feelings. I began to fall physically and severely sick almost all the time and developed a low appetite. My sleeping schedule got messed up and there would be a sharp pain in the chest that began to appear back and forth. By the end of December it all became so acute that I started to be afraid of almost everything, from social interactions to my surroundings and to my own existence. All the horror movies and experiences that I had in mind since childhood reconciled and they began to distort my thought process and seeings as well. I would feel my bed’s trembling, I’d hear things and the hypnagogic jerk would occur way too often. It was when I truly became concerned about what had been taking place around me. First, I genuinely believed that it was indeed some sort of supernatural spirit that was taking control of my life as the illusions were only getting worse by time. I’d hear noises on the roof, sometimes there would have faint sound (like metronome) in the bathroom that would go on for the night and so on. When January ended (2015) I sort of became annoyed for the reason that this “spirit” was committing nothing but making bunch of noises here and there, like its sole purpose was to make noise and do nothing. So I finally intended to check what was going on. The morning I had this thought, I supposed it was going to be a easy task to accomplish. But as the night thickened I realized that It would not be so easy, rather it was much more difficult than tolerating the anguish that I had been going through. But I did anyway..

Before I reveal anything you must know that it was around the time when I first began to realize that I have severe anxiety and depression.It was around the time when waking up in the morning would make me feel like dying. I would have more than one panic attack in a single day. I’d feel apathy through out the day and have depressed mood, no interests in things that had once given me utter joy, I’d pace up and down and feel worthless all day. So a bit of inconvenience or changes in things would make me really upset. Even having to turn off the ceiling fan for the winter had left a great impact on me. My fan makes relatively loud noise when turned on. By 2014 I had become so used to it that it being turned off made an immense difference that I couldn’t consciously perceive. So every bit of noise around me would feel like something unearthly. The sounds on the roof was nothing but rats running around and throwing away tin cans, the noise in the bathroom was nothing but the sound of dripping water in the sink that I had probably been listening to for years but in 2014 and 2015 it all became so different all of a sudden due to the fact that my mind was interpreting them in this way. The trembling bed was not actually the bed that used to tremble but rather, it was me who would tremble and think of it in that way. The hypnagogic jerks were nothing but  the result of my anxiety and constant nightmares.

The part of me being depressed and anxious is still there and I get panic attack every now and then, but the ghost that once used to burn my house down is now gone. Looking back at it, it feels like they are someone else’s memories that I’m holding on to. But it’s just an effect of derealization (feelings of unreality) and depersonalization (being detached from oneself). Because at the end of the day it’s just the mind, that sees and feels what it consciously or subconsciously dwells upon.

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1 comments on “The Ghosts of the Past”

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